Uncle Walter's Rants

Have you met Little Wife?

I am a husband and father. I have The Wife, whom I love dearly, and The Girl and The Boy. They are both wonderful, and occasionally trying, children. But there is another.  Have I introduced you to Little Wife yet?  Little Wife is the tiny voice of The Wife in my head every time she is not around and I dare to consider doing something, well... stupid. For example, I collected the dirty laundry and thought "I'll just put those at the top of the stairs so I can carry them down to the laundry room the next time I go down there."  What flawless logic, I patted myself on the back. Somewhere in the distance a tiny voice grew louder, "The kids are going to knock them down the stairs then you are going to get angry at them and punish them, but you're the one who did something stupid! Now fix that before The Wife gets home!"  

I move the basket to a good waiting place, out of the way, ready to go down on my next trip safe in the knowledge that I will not piss off The Wife with such a blatant error. 

Little Wife can be very helpful when The Wife is unavailable to lend advice.  Tonight I am cooking dinner and found I was short an ingredient.  "Hmm, I'm sure I can just substitute this for that." I thought to myself. Little Wife chimed in, "We have the internet, lots of people substitute things on the internet just look it up." A few moments with Google prevented a dining catastrophe. (Don't ask The Wife about dill and pasta, please don't.  That was before I listened to Little Wife)

At times Little Wife can be annoying. While The Wife is grateful I made dinner, Little Wife is quick to point out that I still need to do the dishes. The Wife would have let that one slide, but Little Wife is a bit stricter, she keeps future pain from coming by keeping me in check.

I think Little Wife helps me to be a better husband, father and person. She helps me to avoid obvious mistakes and then fades away until I do the next stupid thing.  Too bad Little Wife is no help at proofreading.  This post will have tons of typos until The Wife becomes available to check it out.

-UW

Complaint of Day #23 - People who diss Barry Manilow's music

Do you know what really bugs me? People who diss Barry Manilow's music. People mock his songs and his voice. They make fun of his light tunes and his disco rhythms. It drives me nuts because he is actually a talented singer who had five albums on the top charts simultaneously (a feat only achieved by Manilow, Frank Sinatra, Michael Jackson, Bruce Springsteen and Johnny Mathis). He has sold more the 80 million records worldwide, the guy is a smash success with fans such as Bob Dylan as well as many other artists. He had ten number one hits in the seventies. He deserves respect.

And beyond that he was a prolific commercial jingle writer, crafting such classics as "Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there..." and "I am stuck on Band-Aid, 'cause Band-Aid's stuck on me!" He even sang some great commercials like McDonald's "You deserve a break today". The point I am trying to make is that his work is ingrained in the American psyche from the ads to the songs. From Mandy to McDonalds he is a part of the American fabric and deserves respect. When people diss Manilow is really bugs me, so Barry, this one's for you and where ever you are.

-UW

Complaint of Day #22 - Dishes of food left out

Do you know what really bugs me? Dishes of food left out. Every freaking day I find a plate or bowl of food that the kids have left out. If I'm lucky, I find it quickly and can clean it up. Unfortunately, the kids love to hide bowls of leftover pasta and plates of pizza crusts in the most logical places -- like under the couch. When I happen to come upon these little surprises they have "seasoned" themselves to a hardened state, often with a light topping of living organisms. If I am really lucky, it will have that wonderful growth that spreads mold dust if a light breeze nears it.

Every weekend I find more and more little living treats throughout the house. And with each one I feel like smacking a child. I manage to resist the urge to beat them. Instead I make them wash the dishes and do the laundry. Which, unfortunately are sometimes intertwined. That happens when the kids (usually The Girl) takes off clothes and throws them on top of bowls and plates of unfinished food. Then they merge into a single clothing-backed mold-infused dish-entity which requires special tools, environmental hazard suits, and a blowtorch to seperate. Yeah, that's the kind of thing I just can't stand.

-UW

Complaint of Day #21 - Kids who won't eat their dinner

Do you know what really bugs me? Kids who won't eat their dinner. I got home from a full day of work, did three loads of dishes vacuumed, cleaned, made dinner and then The Boy refused to eat. He threw a fit because, "That isn't good food, you are being mean!" So what wasn't real food? How about rotisserie chicken breasts cooked at home, wild rice, homemade biscuits, green beans and carrots. How did it begin? He saw the orange of the carrots and screamed, "I WAS HUNGRY AND NOW I CAN'T EAT BECAUSE OF YOU! I CAN'T EAT THOSE!!!" So I took the carrots off his plate and was entertained to a thirty minute tantrum as he refused to eat his chicken or anything. Finally, on the verge of threatening his life, I "coerced" him into eating. 

Worst thing was that he did like the food and ate just about all of it. There was nothing he didn't like in there, but he just had to try and drive me insane for fun. Yeah, I really hate that.

-UW

Complaint of Day #20 - When Falling Asleep Before Finishing A Post

Do you know what really bugs me? When falling asleep before finishing a post. Such as me, who didn't post a complaint last night because I fell asleep.  Yeah, I hate that.

-UW